Continuance

Given the chance to go back, knowing all I do now, to tick a box either "writer" or "single-parent" with some knowledge the selected one would in some way make the other not be able to accomplish as much, I know I would choose parent again and again. The only difference would be, knowing what I do now, the grandeur of my aspirations as a writer with young children. I make choices that do not allow my books to be worked upon, but that hopefully allow for a better life for my children at home. I will never give up on my children, but I will never give up on my writing, either. Children age. They become themselves more and need their parents less. A saddening thing for parents, but maybe also a happy thing for single-parent writers with book aspirations.

I will continue to write in these moments I find here and there. And I will continue to log my trials in this blog only read by my family. I've never even gone back and re-read any of my entries. But they're here if I ever want to. The ones I sat in Halpin's to write, with the iPad freezing because I was typing so fast, enjoying their raspberry jam on a gluten-free roll. The ones I wrote in The Coffee Shop while eating scrambled eggs and a slice of gluten-free toast with delicious Irish butter. And most delightful, the many times I wrote actual pages of the book at my dear Beier Coffee Shop.

I miss Ireland terribly and I try and pull a happy face while here, knowing that lamenting not being there isn't going to make being here any better. But I miss everything about it there in Wicklow. Our lives were simpler, happier and peaceful. I miss all the dear people we met and grew to know and I to love while we were there. And my deficiency with correspondence has left no trace for them to know  of the overwhelming impact they had on my life, or on the empty space left behind after returning to the States. I am embarrassed at my lack of communication and it leaves me not reaching out, when all I want to do is alert them to how much they mean to me still to this day. I miss them and feel inadequate in trying to express my feelings. So I express nothing. Unable to implement a grand enough gesture to express my gratitude and love, I do nothing. And then I say it's too late anyway. They don't remember us. But that's probably not true, and even if it was, it's not the point. The point is me realizing that doing something, ANYTHING, is better than doing nothing. It doesn't matter that it's coming up on two years, No Time Is As Good As The Present. So do it, Becky. Reach out to these people who were so gracious and accepting, loving and kind. Conquer your fear of inadequacy. The only truly inadequate gesture would be to continue doing nothing.

A different ending to this post than beginning, but within the same thread of thought. Continue the important things you start, no matter how far they wander away or how long they seem to drift. Much MUCH love to Ireland, the country of my heart. Much MUCH love to my books, the inspiration within my heart. Thank you ❤️

And sláinte

A Little Truth Goes A Long Way

There is a truth I must face. This book will not be done by its expected completion date. I bemoan the fact that in my heart I know I will feel like I am letting people down. And it won't matter if they tell me they're not disappointed or if they try and make me feel better about it. I will go through this disappointment. And it won't matter if they tell me how utterly crestfallen they are at not being able to read this book when it was originally promised either. Because just as I must go through the disappointment of feeling as I have let everyone down, myself included, I must go through the eventual realization that the only thing that matters in this whole process is the growth I have gone through to get this point. A point where, in the same post I can simultaneously write about being ashamed to not complete such a huge goal in the time I had set out for, and the eventual forgiveness I will offer myself when I work through my shame and truly identify it as something that is not real. Only a construct of my mind. And this I do by simply (ha) remembering that what my mind constructs is up to me in the end, so why wouldn't I create a loving supportive dialogue for myself. Because as many times I remember it, is as many times as I forget. The creation of this dialogue takes courage and strength and a will to believe I deserve it, which is the gift of growth. And anyone who has sat and watched an acorn grow into a mighty oak knows growth takes time.

I am thankful for and blessed by my journey and my patience (although sometimes fleeting) with myself. And I am truly grateful to live in the miraculous company of those who support me and encourage me to not give up.

The books will be finished. You will read them and may love them. And our journeys will continue, for all we have to do is keep putting one sublimely imperfect foot in front of the other, blindly and unwittingly creating each our perfect paths through the forest of life. Safe travels.

cheers

Paring Plot Points

Wow. What a year this has been. I resolve to not judge myself for all the time gone by, but to pick up and continue on with a promise to continue, and continue continuing until I accomplish this great task of creating a novel. And there it is.

So, finding my way back to Ireland proved easy in my mind and effortless in my heart. And now a remarkably important section has been wonderfully edited and whittled down to a genius point. I have spent the last few months tossing around the particulars of one character's past, and it came into a clear neat little package this morning!!

I am so very relieved and excited to move on from this section and return to the main thread of the plot. Because while I was trying to figure it out, I found I wasn't able to devote time or attention to any other part of the plot. It was as if I had to spend my energy focusing on this part before I could move on to anything else. I've never experienced anything like it before, but as long as it keeps the story's inertia moving, I'll be able to adapt if it happens again. And now it's done!

It was crazy! It seemed like the whole time I thought it needed to be this long-winded explanation of soooo much and every particular had to be developed and put out there, but when it all came down to it, it was quite the opposite. All this time and brainstorming spent on every different aspect of this particular time in this specific character's life, pages and pages of notes and pages and pages of text, all of it to be succinctly pared into one. single. page. One single scene was all I needed to do the job. I know more will be revealed later, but that's where I was getting lost. I was trying to cram it all in at once. And it had been all wrong. And now, one page did it perfectly.

I do know and am grateful for all the pages of notes and text, however, because I also realize that is where the ability to work the magic of showing the reader characters, instead of telling the reader about characters was able to rise. I feel excited and accomplished about this development today! This was a lot of work and now I can move on! Just thought I'd drop a note here about it. Sending love to all!!

Thank you :) and

cheers

MNT 2 BE

As I am readying to climb back into Ireland, circa 1880s to 1940s, I wonder a little bit what that long break was all about. I am not any less passionate about the telling of this story, nor about the eventual release of it as a book. So I find it incredibly interesting that I could let it "sit on a back burner" for so many months. Maybe it needed to simmer. Maybe some development in me as a person and therefore in me as a writer needed to happen to tell this next part, for this part is going to be difficult. Not in the same way the other hard bits to tell have been, but in a new complicated difficult way, involving a character I have known from the beginning, never liked, and have created a relationship with that will be altered by the bit of the story I am now in the process of creating. But change is good. And seeing what was once good in others, no matter how awful we had deemed them to have become, is all a part of learning how to recognize that everyone has their story and most every cruel human has their reasons, valid or not.

Whatever reason there was for my hiatus, the license plate my daughter pointed out to me today, MNT 2 BE, reminds me that I am doing everything right. Life is all meant to be, and anything I've done or haven't done at this point, is exactly right. And the only part I can do anything about is the present.

This book is good. Really good. And I am thankful it is being told to me to tell to you. So, without further ado, on with the show.

cheers

Welcome, 2016! Let's Do It!!!

Greetings dear blog and any blog readers who happen to stumble by!

2015 predictably rolled itself into 2016 and I, for one, am already excited about the new year!! Maybe it's because 16 is my lucky number or maybe it's that I was born on the sixteenth. Or maybe it's because I can feel that by this time next year, my first novel will be complete and radiant! Each day I feel myself moving further and further onward into becoming the full self I feel within me. I can't begin to explain how profoundly the year 2015 will continue to impact my life, but I have the intention to do so in another book I am currently working on. As I said, 2016 is going to be a banner year!

I'd like to take a minute to say thank you to my family and friends for all the support, patience, flexibility, and love they have overwhelmingly shown me over the past year. I hope that I am able to return, even in some small manner, the kindnesses bestowed upon me to each and every one of them. You guys are always in my heart!

And lastly, I'd like to say a deep, overwhelming thank you to my two children, the two fearless adventuring warriors with me on our remarkable journeys through this present life. You are my saviours and my demons alike, showing me and teaching me about the brightness of the light and the depth of the dark. May our true love for one another continue to cast the gift of shadow into the brilliance of light to see our lessons and, linked arm in arm, stride forward in growth and joy. You two are my blessing. Thank you.

So, with the internet finally installed at our house, I foresee an uptick in blog posts... We shall see ;)

Many blessings and much love to you and yours!!
peace and cheers
b