Lotus Bloom

Anytime I remember that one of the significant attributes of a lotus flower is the brilliance of the white petals that are nourished by and supported by the dark mud far below the surface of the water, I am again struck with a deep manner of profundity. I have always felt a resonance with the lotus flower, but off the cuff, it always seems due to its beautiful process of unfolding its many petals to create something magnificent resting on the water's surface. It isn't always reminiscent of what I found so striking about it tonight, of its clean, white petals shining pure and true after having risen from the muck and debris at the bottom of the lake. I easily draw a correlation to my life, as do many people to their own, I'm sure.

The lotus means many things, I had just forgotten that it also means rising from whatever dark mud you may find yourself in, and pushing yourself further in growth until you one day break the surface and bloom with the beautiful, pure, clean, white love you were always capable of. If you don't let go of the mud and rise above it, you will forever stay under the surface of your own potential, drowning without ever realizeing the blossom you could have been. Remember to humbly appreciate that without that muck, debris, and dark mud, your bloom would not be as strong, healthy or vibrant. We are stronger than the darkness that lies under our surface, not in spite of it, but inspired to rise from it. It nourishes our will to become something beautiful and light. It supports our growth by fueling our learning opportunities. And it remains constantly there, a reminder that no matter what sludge may exist within us, therein lies a fertile ground for the growth of our authentic beauty.

Brene Brown and The Anatomy of Trust

    I listened to Brene Brown's "Anatomy of Trust" video again today, after having first seen it maybe a couple yeas ago, and was once again reminded of the person I want to be. She breaks it down because after studying and researching trust, she came to the astute conclusion that trust does not hinge on just one aspect of a person's character, nor does it get received for just one characteristic. It is an assembly of many traits that to the degree someone is possessing or lacking said trait, can be a barometer to measure whether trust is there. She calls it Braving Trust.

    As I'm hearing her brilliantly and eloquently go over the components she found while researching this topic, I am mentally taking inventory within myself of the amount (some) of the ones I do okay in, and the ones (seems like a lot more) that I want to see myself do so much better on. And as I went through and saw the ones I want to get better on, I already could see how far I've come in my own growth. Because instead of becoming sad and depressed about how much I suck (or would've thought I sucked) I realize I am able to see these characteristics that have left me such room for improvement not through the filter of guilt, but instead through the filter of loving acknowledgement that has me on a path of positive change instead of dumping me harshly on a downward spiral of guilt and shame and self-loathing.

    I can see that this is a big difference in my ability to do anything about these things I want to improve in my life. I'm not saying there aren't striken moments on the path of positive change where I slip back into old ways of thinking about how useless I am, or how I fail at everything, or how unlovable I am, unreliable, untrustworthy, awful and ugly. And these moments are not fun and they hurt, but I can recognize my growth at how much more quickly I remind myself which path I want to be on. I keep it from putting me on the spiral downward by thinking about the path I want to be on, and therefore I find myself on it again. Our thoughts and the way we feel about them are the strongest magic we have in this life. It is thinking about being on this path of positivity that I can look at myself, and all my faults, and lovingly vow to continue to do my best everyday, no matter how varied that "best" is from day to day. Because one of the cornerstone points of Brene's talk is the importance of Braving Trust with ourselves. That is where it all begins. Here is the link to this wonderful talk by this insightful, thoughtful, loving soul. Thank you, Brene.

Brene Brown "The Anatomy of Trust"

Centered

There's been a lot of talk going on in places I see and hear talking happening that has a lot to do about femininity and masculinity, matriarchy and patriarchy, and the one word I generally have to offer on the subject is balance. This word continues to surface for me in my life, too. There is always a balance needed for anything to run smoothly, and our lives are no exception. I like the mental image of the wheel spinning. Think about it and then pick where you would prefer to spend most of your time while the wheel forever spins. Sitting on the outer edge, though this position may feel strong of conviction, only leaves you feeling whipped around, especially when the wheel seems to speed up. You have to hold on to things more tightly to keep from flying off and losing control. Like the saying, fly off the handle, instead it's fly off the wheel. Now think about sitting at the center, in balance with the forces of nature and gravity, all powers outside of your control, as the wheel spins. Think of a potter's wheel and a lump of clay to be molded into a bowl or a vase. If that clay is centered on the wheel, no matter how fast the wheel is turning, that clay is not going anywhere. It is in control of itself, purely based on it being centered on that wheel. But give it a nudge and knock it off balance, and no matter how well you think you anchor it to withstand the spinning of the wheel, it is guaranteed to eventually fly off the surface of the wheel, unable to control itself in the face of the forces at work. Now think again of the wheel of life that is our situations, issues, beliefs , and convictions. Choosing to sit from the balanced center of the wheel creates a place of much more control, no matter how fast the wheel might spin. Not control of the people or situations in your life necessarily, as most of them are out of our control anyway, but control of self. Like that lump of clay not being able to control gravity and physics, but being able to control itself when it is centered. We allow ourselves a greater ability to remain in control of our actions and operate from a higher level when we can remain in control of ourselves, no matter how quickly the wheel of events in our lives is turning. And it is that balance that needs to be reached with so much in our world today. Gender warfare included. There must be a love and support for the opposite gender from each of the sexes as we all continue to grow towards a balanced and peaceful world. Gender equality has come a long way in the last 50 years, and still has a long way to go, but coming from one side of the wheel, crossing through the center and going straight out onto the other side of the wheel will create just as much of an imbalance. So I hope that everyone can see that there is a balance needed, not retribution for past unbalances, if we are to all carry forward from our highest place within ourselves. Brotherhood Sisterhood. There's room in the center for us all.

Interpretation Nation

Facebook gave me inspiration for tonight. There is a group I follow called The Smart Witch and I simply love all their posts. There was an image that read, If you feel like you don't fit in, in this world, it is because you are here to help create a new one. I know I've heard this before and I like the meaning behind it. It is in keeping with, the 'Be the change you wish to see in the world' idea, in my opinion, only without the direct command for action. I hear it saying that if you do not feel at home in your life, then create the life you need, to feel at home. I used to only read the saying about not fitting in as a way to inspire people to want to step up and help create a better world, a kinder, more compassionate, more understanding and loving world for us all to live in. But now it has dawned on me, perhaps from more perspective? or something, I now also look at it and interpret it in another possible way. What about those who want to live in a crueler, more dispassionate, and misunderstood tragic world? Who am I to say that this saying can hold no truth for them? I may not like it, but many profound sayings we hear in the world, when distilled down to the basics of what they're saying, can go either way. Good or evil. I can now see someone with a completely opposite moral compass as me stating this very same concept with as much definitiy as I did with my beliefs plugged into it, and the thing of it is, that person would not be one bit wrong in his or her's interpretation of the saying. It is something to always try and remember. Words and sayings are only as good as their interpretation. I haven't felt that I fit in for a long time, so I am all on board for helping to create a new world! That first one that I mentioned  {I will be flying to the left}

I am also typing this post on a keyboard I just got for my iPad, and I quite like it. It is by Favormates, but it doesn't have as strong of a case that I was looking for, to keep the iPad itself safe. So I may try another one down the line. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a comment below about what you think of room for interpretation that is not in-line with your own.

Cheers

Quiet Courage

I found this quote earlier, after trying to reflect on a quality others have said they see in me that I often do not. I often feel afraid and cowardly, thinking there are so many more actions I could be taking to courageously stride toward my goals, my dreams. But maybe this quote can shed a little light for me. Maybe the continued belief in my dream, no matter how weak at times, is a true form of courage I do have. I heard earlier today on a Ted talk that sometimes the bigger actions of our lives, changing careers, changing a relationship, deciding to move, are the actions that are big enough they seem to propel themselves on their own energy. There is definite courage in making any of these choices, but the choices themselves seem to help bring out a courage we didn't even know we had, purely out of the action behind them.  However, it is the smaller, daily actions that we can choose which require a deeper sense of courage in ourselves. The little things every day that add up over time, like deciding to change in the ways we can at present, to continuously keep becoming the person we most want to be. To continue striving towards being the best versions of ourselves, no matter how many times we fuck up and don't accomplish as much as we would have liked to on any given day. Giving ourselves the acknowledgement that some days just aren't going to be what we think our best should be, but we still choose to try again, and again. This choice, to continue striving towards a dream, towards growth, towards the continual betterment of ourselves while loving ourselves for the perfect beings we are in the present, this choice is the choice of the courageous. "I will try again tomorrow."

Side Tracked

It's just so easy to get sidetracked and despondent about getting sidetracked and begin to wonder what the hell I'm even doing it for because no one is ever going to read it anyway and I should be doing more meaningful things with my life, like working a steady nine to five to get off my parent's assistance and stop being a drain on those around me and stop selfishly making my life be all about my dreams and my aspirations. When these thoughts claw their way up into my conscious mind, I always try to take the time and diligence to put them lovingly back down where they belong. Bitching and moaning from the side-room where I don't have to acquiesce any power over to them. They sure do like to flex their volume sometimes, though.

When is a dream too much of a dream? Is there a point where it just becomes too foolish? Or is that when it really becomes a test of faith? When I feel utterly ridiculous talking to others about it because I still have no idea in the Universe how this dream is going to become a reality, is that when it's time to say enough is enough and retire back into the little life of the human who gets her shit together and stops dreaming such insane notions and begins to focus on realistic outcomes whose steps can be carefully and safely plotted out like any of a thousand trips to the grocery store for a loaf of bread?

I've never been known to choose the safe path over the desired path. Sometimes they are just one in the same. But sometimes, sometimes they are not. Sometimes they aren't even on the same map. And I feel so alone. With only those around me who cast scornful looks and reek of disdain for my foolhardy notions of following a path that is unmappable and unpredictable and there I am, vulnerable. Not sure if I really want to travel this path anymore, but certain that I do. Just a little more courage, Becky. Just a little more strength. There is a world of your dreams and you know it's not Here. Just as a baby, who dearly loves the womb in which it grew, knows the journey goes on from that womb and staying there would only impede further growth.

I don't know how many times I've re birthed versions of myself so far this life, but I can tell you each one I was willing and thankful for all it brought me, and continues to do so. Let the despondency fuck off. Let the side of the track still be as useful to me as being on it, for if it is the way I operate, may it also be the way I get shit done. I have these dreams. I have these goals. And no authentic part of me wants to give them up or walk away from them because I'm afraid. I'll take that fear right on through with me. Because that's the only way I'll stop the dream, when it is my reality.

A Poem of (Possible) Blog Return

Oh so long I've been gone
And yet now I am back
Here to fill in the blanks
And repair the cracks

Ne'er has it left me
Nor e'er e'en gone far
But stayed right here near to me
Gently held in my heart

For this grand epic tale
Once a fledgling and small
Keeps maturing and growing
To be one of the best told of all

Tis said the novel takes longer
Than one could e'er realize
But I'm here tenacious and patient
Securing this dream ne'er dies

That was the poetic version of the things I write on here when I haven't added a new post for awhile...

The good news is work on the book has been moving along well. The less good, for this blog at least, news is that I have discovered if  I talk about it much, I don't work on it as much. I don't know if that goes for blog posts, but if it does, there will continue to be a drought of them until there is the next big announcement. (Like the first draft being finished and ready to be sent for proofreading!)

Hope all is well for all of you (aka Dad) ;) Much love!!

cheers