Centered

There's been a lot of talk going on in places I see and hear talking happening that has a lot to do about femininity and masculinity, matriarchy and patriarchy, and the one word I generally have to offer on the subject is balance. This word continues to surface for me in my life, too. There is always a balance needed for anything to run smoothly, and our lives are no exception. I like the mental image of the wheel spinning. Think about it and then pick where you would prefer to spend most of your time while the wheel forever spins. Sitting on the outer edge, though this position may feel strong of conviction, only leaves you feeling whipped around, especially when the wheel seems to speed up. You have to hold on to things more tightly to keep from flying off and losing control. Like the saying, fly off the handle, instead it's fly off the wheel. Now think about sitting at the center, in balance with the forces of nature and gravity, all powers outside of your control, as the wheel spins. Think of a potter's wheel and a lump of clay to be molded into a bowl or a vase. If that clay is centered on the wheel, no matter how fast the wheel is turning, that clay is not going anywhere. It is in control of itself, purely based on it being centered on that wheel. But give it a nudge and knock it off balance, and no matter how well you think you anchor it to withstand the spinning of the wheel, it is guaranteed to eventually fly off the surface of the wheel, unable to control itself in the face of the forces at work. Now think again of the wheel of life that is our situations, issues, beliefs , and convictions. Choosing to sit from the balanced center of the wheel creates a place of much more control, no matter how fast the wheel might spin. Not control of the people or situations in your life necessarily, as most of them are out of our control anyway, but control of self. Like that lump of clay not being able to control gravity and physics, but being able to control itself when it is centered. We allow ourselves a greater ability to remain in control of our actions and operate from a higher level when we can remain in control of ourselves, no matter how quickly the wheel of events in our lives is turning. And it is that balance that needs to be reached with so much in our world today. Gender warfare included. There must be a love and support for the opposite gender from each of the sexes as we all continue to grow towards a balanced and peaceful world. Gender equality has come a long way in the last 50 years, and still has a long way to go, but coming from one side of the wheel, crossing through the center and going straight out onto the other side of the wheel will create just as much of an imbalance. So I hope that everyone can see that there is a balance needed, not retribution for past unbalances, if we are to all carry forward from our highest place within ourselves. Brotherhood Sisterhood. There's room in the center for us all.

Interpretation Nation

Facebook gave me inspiration for tonight. There is a group I follow called The Smart Witch and I simply love all their posts. There was an image that read, If you feel like you don't fit in, in this world, it is because you are here to help create a new one. I know I've heard this before and I like the meaning behind it. It is in keeping with, the 'Be the change you wish to see in the world' idea, in my opinion, only without the direct command for action. I hear it saying that if you do not feel at home in your life, then create the life you need, to feel at home. I used to only read the saying about not fitting in as a way to inspire people to want to step up and help create a better world, a kinder, more compassionate, more understanding and loving world for us all to live in. But now it has dawned on me, perhaps from more perspective? or something, I now also look at it and interpret it in another possible way. What about those who want to live in a crueler, more dispassionate, and misunderstood tragic world? Who am I to say that this saying can hold no truth for them? I may not like it, but many profound sayings we hear in the world, when distilled down to the basics of what they're saying, can go either way. Good or evil. I can now see someone with a completely opposite moral compass as me stating this very same concept with as much definitiy as I did with my beliefs plugged into it, and the thing of it is, that person would not be one bit wrong in his or her's interpretation of the saying. It is something to always try and remember. Words and sayings are only as good as their interpretation. I haven't felt that I fit in for a long time, so I am all on board for helping to create a new world! That first one that I mentioned  {I will be flying to the left}

I am also typing this post on a keyboard I just got for my iPad, and I quite like it. It is by Favormates, but it doesn't have as strong of a case that I was looking for, to keep the iPad itself safe. So I may try another one down the line. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a comment below about what you think of room for interpretation that is not in-line with your own.

Cheers

Quiet Courage

I found this quote earlier, after trying to reflect on a quality others have said they see in me that I often do not. I often feel afraid and cowardly, thinking there are so many more actions I could be taking to courageously stride toward my goals, my dreams. But maybe this quote can shed a little light for me. Maybe the continued belief in my dream, no matter how weak at times, is a true form of courage I do have. I heard earlier today on a Ted talk that sometimes the bigger actions of our lives, changing careers, changing a relationship, deciding to move, are the actions that are big enough they seem to propel themselves on their own energy. There is definite courage in making any of these choices, but the choices themselves seem to help bring out a courage we didn't even know we had, purely out of the action behind them.  However, it is the smaller, daily actions that we can choose which require a deeper sense of courage in ourselves. The little things every day that add up over time, like deciding to change in the ways we can at present, to continuously keep becoming the person we most want to be. To continue striving towards being the best versions of ourselves, no matter how many times we fuck up and don't accomplish as much as we would have liked to on any given day. Giving ourselves the acknowledgement that some days just aren't going to be what we think our best should be, but we still choose to try again, and again. This choice, to continue striving towards a dream, towards growth, towards the continual betterment of ourselves while loving ourselves for the perfect beings we are in the present, this choice is the choice of the courageous. "I will try again tomorrow."

Side Tracked

It's just so easy to get sidetracked and despondent about getting sidetracked and begin to wonder what the hell I'm even doing it for because no one is ever going to read it anyway and I should be doing more meaningful things with my life, like working a steady nine to five to get off my parent's assistance and stop being a drain on those around me and stop selfishly making my life be all about my dreams and my aspirations. When these thoughts claw their way up into my conscious mind, I always try to take the time and diligence to put them lovingly back down where they belong. Bitching and moaning from the side-room where I don't have to acquiesce any power over to them. They sure do like to flex their volume sometimes, though.

When is a dream too much of a dream? Is there a point where it just becomes too foolish? Or is that when it really becomes a test of faith? When I feel utterly ridiculous talking to others about it because I still have no idea in the Universe how this dream is going to become a reality, is that when it's time to say enough is enough and retire back into the little life of the human who gets her shit together and stops dreaming such insane notions and begins to focus on realistic outcomes whose steps can be carefully and safely plotted out like any of a thousand trips to the grocery store for a loaf of bread?

I've never been known to choose the safe path over the desired path. Sometimes they are just one in the same. But sometimes, sometimes they are not. Sometimes they aren't even on the same map. And I feel so alone. With only those around me who cast scornful looks and reek of disdain for my foolhardy notions of following a path that is unmappable and unpredictable and there I am, vulnerable. Not sure if I really want to travel this path anymore, but certain that I do. Just a little more courage, Becky. Just a little more strength. There is a world of your dreams and you know it's not Here. Just as a baby, who dearly loves the womb in which it grew, knows the journey goes on from that womb and staying there would only impede further growth.

I don't know how many times I've re birthed versions of myself so far this life, but I can tell you each one I was willing and thankful for all it brought me, and continues to do so. Let the despondency fuck off. Let the side of the track still be as useful to me as being on it, for if it is the way I operate, may it also be the way I get shit done. I have these dreams. I have these goals. And no authentic part of me wants to give them up or walk away from them because I'm afraid. I'll take that fear right on through with me. Because that's the only way I'll stop the dream, when it is my reality.

A Poem of (Possible) Blog Return

Oh so long I've been gone
And yet now I am back
Here to fill in the blanks
And repair the cracks

Ne'er has it left me
Nor e'er e'en gone far
But stayed right here near to me
Gently held in my heart

For this grand epic tale
Once a fledgling and small
Keeps maturing and growing
To be one of the best told of all

Tis said the novel takes longer
Than one could e'er realize
But I'm here tenacious and patient
Securing this dream ne'er dies

That was the poetic version of the things I write on here when I haven't added a new post for awhile...

The good news is work on the book has been moving along well. The less good, for this blog at least, news is that I have discovered if  I talk about it much, I don't work on it as much. I don't know if that goes for blog posts, but if it does, there will continue to be a drought of them until there is the next big announcement. (Like the first draft being finished and ready to be sent for proofreading!)

Hope all is well for all of you (aka Dad) ;) Much love!!

cheers

Continuance

Given the chance to go back, knowing all I do now, to tick a box either "writer" or "single-parent" with some knowledge the selected one would in some way make the other not be able to accomplish as much, I know I would choose parent again and again. The only difference would be, knowing what I do now, the grandeur of my aspirations as a writer with young children. I make choices that do not allow my books to be worked upon, but that hopefully allow for a better life for my children at home. I will never give up on my children, but I will never give up on my writing, either. Children age. They become themselves more and need their parents less. A saddening thing for parents, but maybe also a happy thing for single-parent writers with book aspirations.

I will continue to write in these moments I find here and there. And I will continue to log my trials in this blog only read by my family. I've never even gone back and re-read any of my entries. But they're here if I ever want to. The ones I sat in Halpin's to write, with the iPad freezing because I was typing so fast, enjoying their raspberry jam on a gluten-free roll. The ones I wrote in The Coffee Shop while eating scrambled eggs and a slice of gluten-free toast with delicious Irish butter. And most delightful, the many times I wrote actual pages of the book at my dear Beier Coffee Shop.

I miss Ireland terribly and I try and pull a happy face while here, knowing that lamenting not being there isn't going to make being here any better. But I miss everything about it there in Wicklow. Our lives were simpler, happier and peaceful. I miss all the dear people we met and grew to know and I to love while we were there. And my deficiency with correspondence has left no trace for them to know  of the overwhelming impact they had on my life, or on the empty space left behind after returning to the States. I am embarrassed at my lack of communication and it leaves me not reaching out, when all I want to do is alert them to how much they mean to me still to this day. I miss them and feel inadequate in trying to express my feelings. So I express nothing. Unable to implement a grand enough gesture to express my gratitude and love, I do nothing. And then I say it's too late anyway. They don't remember us. But that's probably not true, and even if it was, it's not the point. The point is me realizing that doing something, ANYTHING, is better than doing nothing. It doesn't matter that it's coming up on two years, No Time Is As Good As The Present. So do it, Becky. Reach out to these people who were so gracious and accepting, loving and kind. Conquer your fear of inadequacy. The only truly inadequate gesture would be to continue doing nothing.

A different ending to this post than beginning, but within the same thread of thought. Continue the important things you start, no matter how far they wander away or how long they seem to drift. Much MUCH love to Ireland, the country of my heart. Much MUCH love to my books, the inspiration within my heart. Thank you ❤️

And sláinte

A Little Truth Goes A Long Way

There is a truth I must face. This book will not be done by its expected completion date. I bemoan the fact that in my heart I know I will feel like I am letting people down. And it won't matter if they tell me they're not disappointed or if they try and make me feel better about it. I will go through this disappointment. And it won't matter if they tell me how utterly crestfallen they are at not being able to read this book when it was originally promised either. Because just as I must go through the disappointment of feeling as I have let everyone down, myself included, I must go through the eventual realization that the only thing that matters in this whole process is the growth I have gone through to get this point. A point where, in the same post I can simultaneously write about being ashamed to not complete such a huge goal in the time I had set out for, and the eventual forgiveness I will offer myself when I work through my shame and truly identify it as something that is not real. Only a construct of my mind. And this I do by simply (ha) remembering that what my mind constructs is up to me in the end, so why wouldn't I create a loving supportive dialogue for myself. Because as many times I remember it, is as many times as I forget. The creation of this dialogue takes courage and strength and a will to believe I deserve it, which is the gift of growth. And anyone who has sat and watched an acorn grow into a mighty oak knows growth takes time.

I am thankful for and blessed by my journey and my patience (although sometimes fleeting) with myself. And I am truly grateful to live in the miraculous company of those who support me and encourage me to not give up.

The books will be finished. You will read them and may love them. And our journeys will continue, for all we have to do is keep putting one sublimely imperfect foot in front of the other, blindly and unwittingly creating each our perfect paths through the forest of life. Safe travels.

cheers