Setting Sail into the Last Month

One month left. Even knowing this time would come hasn't made it any easier in it arriving. Regrets lurk in the shadows waiting to pounce as soon as my spirits waver, falter in trying to keep themselves abreast in the tumultuous waves of my soul they ride upon. My spirits are strong. Courageous even. They have brought me this far and they will continue to carry me on, but they are still rooted, right now at least, in my very human existence. And it is here that the shadows are cast and regret and doubt stake their claim.

A pressure sits heavy on my chest this morning. Like a cruel cat, tail switching with every ticking second that lapses, counting down the time until I am boarding a plane back to the states and this experience is over. Could I ever have done enough to satiate this feline ferocity dominating my sacral chakra? Do I even have the power to tell it to leave? How can I banish something I cannot see, only feel with such a sinister weight?
I can remind myself of a dear friend who helped alleviate some of the pressure many many months ago, before I stepped into this grand adventure. I can remember what she told me and how it felt. I can remember to spring right on up and over the wall, with one great beat of my wings. But most importantly I can remember who was there to show me my wings.

I will be scared I did this all wrong, that I could have done it better, that I should have done more of this or less of that. But I will remind myself that I can coexist with this fear, acknowledge it but not let it overtake my days. Not let it steal these remaining few days, a fact that lends to its strength of dominance in my soul, from the well deserving vessel of my spirit cascading ahead in the ocean of my soul. Fears, regrets or doubts may rock the bow, but they will never capsize this beautiful sleek little ship, forged from years of rough waters and hurricanes raging across the seascape of my soul.

So it is on to calmer waters in this last month of this first trip. It is on to continued discoveries of the depths and intricacies of Sophia's story. And it is on to continual thanks and praise for the Magic of this great world that can make all things possible, if we just dare to set sail.

The Coffee The Chocolate

So, I've been writing. Yeah, I've been writing the whole time. But until recently, everything I wrote felt like little (or big) pieces of a puzzle, snippits (though lengthy) of the same story, but not often with a beginning-to-ending momentum or intention. And not on the computer either. It was all handwritten in notebooks. I don't know what has changed recently, but something has. I have turned into a bit of a writing machine on the computer, and my fuel is coffee and chocolate. I'm not kidding. I'll sit here and stare off, thinking, and then go in and get a square of chocolate off the microwave and lo and behold my fingers are flying again as it slowly melts in my mouth. And don't even think of expecting one key stroke in the morning if my coffee hasn't been brewed. (I would like to take this moment to thank the goddesses at Grab-A-Java for knowing what to send with the goddess who sent me a care package last month. I don't use the term goddesses lightly, you are awesome!) And I've stopped putting sugar in my coffee! Huh?!? Maybe it's the great cream here, or all the extra sugar I'm getting from chocolate, ha!  But all joking aside (momentarily), the layout of the story has morphed and grown along an intentioned and meaningful path. I'm loving this! And it feels so right.

I will be the first to admit, however, the healthy eating habits I developed from being over here, like eating more than twice a day, have started to suffer, but what else am I supposed to do? When you have the story flowing through you, you don't stop.

So, now with this drive, there is a battle within me waged between A) the side that's like, 'you can write back in the States, but you can't do the same research back there', and B) the side that's like, 'Write, bitch!' in that cute way someone who loves you very much can call you bitch and actually cheer you up by doing it.

But I know what I'll do. I'll continue to straddle the line of that battle field, because I think they're both right. It'll all work out for the best and it's kinda like a win-win because when I'm out researching, I can make sure and stop for a quick bite places, trying to maintain, um, eating, and when I'm writing, I get coffee and chocolate!

Today, my son and I took the time to hike along the Avonmore River, the river I believe I can base part of the story on. I recorded some of the sounds of the water rushing by and got quite a few pictures. He is often an inspiration for me in my writing, or just a soundboard while I think out loud. I bet he's only listening half the time but that's okay. He'll chime in at the perfect place and say something really great and then go back to what I assume he had been thinking about before he happened to tune into my words for a minute or two. Like today, he even inadvertently pinned down the new title (I think), and of course, the first thing he says, smiling widely at me, is 'I want credit for it.' Lol He's such a strong thinker and an interested, caring person.

And my daughter has started her first typed story. It is almost one page long so far, and I am so proud of her wanting to write out all these wonderful ideas she comes up with! And on the computer no less! Granted, it keeps me off of the computer, but that just means I still have time to do those useful things around the house a mom gets to do, like cook and laundry and clean. I might be living on coffee and chocolate, but they still expect, ya know, food. I suppose it should be assumed anyway that I don't get quite as much done on the weekends with them here, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

...And there's always headphones. "Bye kids, mommy can't hear you right now" ;)
cheers