As I spoke with one of my dearest friends on skype last night, I was telling her about the new revelations I have come to in working on the book. As I was telling her, it dawned on me that this would be a great place to jot them down as well, since this is the place I created to follow and archive, if you will, my process and progress.
I have realized that during the first few months I was here, I spent my time following the whim of my explorers soul, seeking out and excitedly discovering new places while fairly successfully fending off the guilt monster who wanted to ambush me at any weakness of conviction for "not working." I somehow maintained my conviction that I was not always going to understand the process, but I would keep my focus on trusting my instincts and listening to that little voice of intuition that somehow always guides me right. And in doing so, I shockingly did not visit a library for the first month and a half at least, always telling myself not to worry about it and that I was following the way I felt and still very much moving forward in my research process.
With the departure of my first visitor in the end of March, the guilt monster snuck in while I was distracted and wreaked havoc on my poor soul for a few confidence-shattering, courage-ravaging self-esteem-destroying days, and after the dust had settled and I remembered it was essentially only me responsible for the thoughts I was thinking, I picked myself back up and found after all the havoc had been wreaked, I was standing in entirely new terrain. And not only new terrain, but with a wholly new perspective as well. I am humbled and brought to tears by this process I have been allowed to witness unfolding before my own amazed eyes and heart, and I have charged right into this new terrain, complete with brand new vantage points and discoveries to be made.
I now feel I am on to the second chapter of my research over here. The books. The archives. The gracious librarians. The vast ocean of knowledge and information recorded before me and for me to traverse in my little sailboat of a novel plot. I told myself I wanted to sail in a sailboat over here more than anything, and I suppose I could count this as that voyage.
And the most revolutionary part of this is, without having allowed myself to entertain and honor my explorers soul, who I was able to recognize as needing to have a look around first, I would have no map for this incredible voyage across such an expanse of information. I now, in myself, have reference points. When I am reading about places, I know those places. When I am reading about the people of this country, I understand them on a far deeper level than I ever could have hoped, had I not spent time with them. The kind people of the wonderful towns in County Wicklow, eager to help and more than accommodating to sit and have a chat, have helped me to this end.
I have unwittingly given myself the tools I needed to extract the most from the research I am now compiling, and I could not have dreamed of planning it better had I tried. Which I didn't really, and maybe that's why. Maybe that's why I felt so safe in not having things planned to a "T", and when I would start to hem myself in by scheduling things out too far in advance, it sometimes created an apprehension, an unease, in me. It would come from the intention behind my scheduling. When my intent was me wanting something to happen, it felt good to have it scheduled, still knowing the plans could change at any moment. But when I scheduled things because I felt like I wasn't getting enough done, so I had better hurry up and schedule something, anything! (guilt monster) I would be left feeling panicky and not sure if I had done the right thing and wondering if I scheduled it wrong, or any number of uncomfortable feelings, not always easily recognizable at the time.
When I let myself be drawn forward by following the lighted path of my guidance (sometimes lit so dimly I have to stop and wait), still always attentive to my world and being a willing participant in its activities, I know I am travelling along a path that will take me to where my dreams are real. Where this book is complete and honors those whose story it tells. I do feel like finishing this book will be a bit of a quest for me, but not in a scary way, in an exciting way. With not thinking, will I ever get it done, but instead thinking, I am so excited that this will be finished one day!
Thank you for these insights. Thank you for this awareness. Thank you for these human traits I am blessed to manifest. And thank you for the divine spirit that manifests itself in me (is me).
cheers
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Monday, April 20, 2015
The Quest
As life settles back into a fairly normal routine again of school for the kids and research ventures for me, the feeling of serenity has slipped back into my heart. Sometimes the things we most want are the very things that can seem the most daunting and I experienced that in a wholly new degree of late. The level of which I experienced the doubts that came to me can possibly be explained by the level of which these accomplishments I am working to attain exist. In short, the higher the expectations and goals, the higher the intensity of doubts and fear.
I remain proud of myself for keeping on in the forward direction, even though there have been times I have wated to pack it all up and call it quits. I know the detriment of halting an unfinished task based on fear of the outcome. And I have always tried to live a life without regrets.
While my daughter was away at a slumber party, my son and I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy (after her slumber party turned into a whole weekend affair) and I was brought to tears more than once over the wise words of those on that remarkable quest. Granted, I am not carrying a ring that has the undead following me to take it and return it to their evil sorcerer master, having to traverse through treacherous terrain while being hunted by any number of creatures, with the fate of the all that is good in the world resting in my hands. But I think that no matter how big or small your task is, no matter who you are or what you have gone through, you can exponentially benefit from hearing encouraging words and being reminded that there is always hope, no matter how small, of success on any endeavor you put your heart into.
And so I must remind myself, my heart is in this quest. And there is a hope of success. And whether I am daunted or not, I will continue moving forward in it, taking small steps when I am too fearful to take any at all, and leaping over vast valleys and flying over tops of unbelievably high walls when I feel the strength of courage burning deep in my soul, carrying me along. Thank you for my strength.
cheers
I remain proud of myself for keeping on in the forward direction, even though there have been times I have wated to pack it all up and call it quits. I know the detriment of halting an unfinished task based on fear of the outcome. And I have always tried to live a life without regrets.
While my daughter was away at a slumber party, my son and I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy (after her slumber party turned into a whole weekend affair) and I was brought to tears more than once over the wise words of those on that remarkable quest. Granted, I am not carrying a ring that has the undead following me to take it and return it to their evil sorcerer master, having to traverse through treacherous terrain while being hunted by any number of creatures, with the fate of the all that is good in the world resting in my hands. But I think that no matter how big or small your task is, no matter who you are or what you have gone through, you can exponentially benefit from hearing encouraging words and being reminded that there is always hope, no matter how small, of success on any endeavor you put your heart into.
And so I must remind myself, my heart is in this quest. And there is a hope of success. And whether I am daunted or not, I will continue moving forward in it, taking small steps when I am too fearful to take any at all, and leaping over vast valleys and flying over tops of unbelievably high walls when I feel the strength of courage burning deep in my soul, carrying me along. Thank you for my strength.
cheers
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Illumination
Having the ones you love come visit you in a foreign country creates emotions that are unforeseen and raises issues you could have previously been unaware of. And by "you" I mean me, of course.
What am I doing? Why am I here? Why am I dragging my children around on this crazy half-cooked "adventure" to try and accomplish something I am not even sure I am capable of. I have never written a book! Renovating a house? Sure. Took me forever, but I did it. Raising kids? Never wanted to before I had them, but now can't imagine my life without them. Leaving the security of a blossoming life to follow my heart halfway across the country? No problem!
Yet maybe, just maybe, leaving the security of not attempting a dream of enormous proportions is a bit too much. Plunging into the unknown has often seemed more sane to me than safely sticking to the predictable known path and it has undeniably brought me to many of the most treasured moments and people in my life. But was this plunge just too much? I feel I am desperately unprepared and am groping for one single light switch dangling on a thin wire from the ceiling of a huge pitch black national museum, just hoping I'll happen to stumble upon it before my time runs out and I am kicked out before ever having a chance to find the light and see the treasures held within. I am afraid it will all be for nothing. I am afraid I will fail. I am here, feeling very much alone, and knowing full well I am the one responsible for putting myself here.
And yet, even as I am writing these words, I hear the same little voices in my head that helped get me to this point, amidst this amazing and remarkable opportunity. Kind voices resonant with my belief in a loving power that supports us all. They whisper to me through the rantings of my self-sabotage, reminding me of the strength and courage I already possess and the unyielding love that unites us all on our common goals of wanting to live the best lives we know how and to help others along their paths.
So now, after this moment of acknowledging my very human based fear of misdirection and utter failure, I am faced with the decision to share this fear or delete the post and start a new one. I choose to hold off and go on Facebook instead. Here is what I found making its way up my newsfeed almost immediately.
"I know we want it all happy and positive, but that's just not where much of humanity is. Many of us are overwhelmed with pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger, unseen truths. This is where we are at, as a collective. So we have two choices. We can continue to pretend it's not there, shame and shun it in ourselves and others, distract and detach whenever possible. Or we can face it heart-on, own it within ourselves, look for it in others with compassion, create a culture that is focused on authenticity and healthy emotional release. If we continue to push it all down, we are both creating illness and delaying our collective expansion. But if we can just own the shadow, express it, release it, love each other through it, we can finally graduate from the School of Heart Knocks and begin to enjoy this magnificent life as we were intended. Pretending the pain isn't there just embeds it further. Let's illuminate it instead." Jeff Brown, author of Soulshaping and Love It Forward
Okay. I got the point. I will say, I am luckily far from being overwhelmed with pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger or unseen truths, although I have lived there in my life. But I do possess them within myself. And Jeff Brown's post seemed to hit at the very reason I went on Facebook instead of finishing and posting the truths I had just allowed to surface on this page. Not the bullshit I was telling myself about my inability to achieve this dream, but the acknowledgement of the bullshit existing in my psyche. Maybe one can argue it needs to be there so the stronger, true voice can have a place to chime in, I don't know. But what I do know is that this passage from Jeff Brown this morning is the direct reason I am leaving this blog post as it is, to illuminate a fear I know I have, but that I also know does not control me.
As much as I like to focus on the positive, and happily do so, I cannot deny that these insecurities exist within me. They are a part of me and I acknowledge them. I do not, however, dwell on them nor let them take root within other truths I know to be real, such as the unabated belief that the Universe conspires on my behalf and that I am a strong, capable being able to accomplish anything. It is a daily effort on my part to remind myself of these things, and what is even more exciting to me, is that I am not unique. It is true about each and every one of us. Remembering this makes me feel not alone anymore, but in the company of the most amazing souls on the planet: Us. Thank you for sharing this day with me and thank you for shining your light. I won't need to find that museum light switch in the dark if I remember I've had a flashlight in my pocket the whole time.
cheers
What am I doing? Why am I here? Why am I dragging my children around on this crazy half-cooked "adventure" to try and accomplish something I am not even sure I am capable of. I have never written a book! Renovating a house? Sure. Took me forever, but I did it. Raising kids? Never wanted to before I had them, but now can't imagine my life without them. Leaving the security of a blossoming life to follow my heart halfway across the country? No problem!
Yet maybe, just maybe, leaving the security of not attempting a dream of enormous proportions is a bit too much. Plunging into the unknown has often seemed more sane to me than safely sticking to the predictable known path and it has undeniably brought me to many of the most treasured moments and people in my life. But was this plunge just too much? I feel I am desperately unprepared and am groping for one single light switch dangling on a thin wire from the ceiling of a huge pitch black national museum, just hoping I'll happen to stumble upon it before my time runs out and I am kicked out before ever having a chance to find the light and see the treasures held within. I am afraid it will all be for nothing. I am afraid I will fail. I am here, feeling very much alone, and knowing full well I am the one responsible for putting myself here.
And yet, even as I am writing these words, I hear the same little voices in my head that helped get me to this point, amidst this amazing and remarkable opportunity. Kind voices resonant with my belief in a loving power that supports us all. They whisper to me through the rantings of my self-sabotage, reminding me of the strength and courage I already possess and the unyielding love that unites us all on our common goals of wanting to live the best lives we know how and to help others along their paths.
So now, after this moment of acknowledging my very human based fear of misdirection and utter failure, I am faced with the decision to share this fear or delete the post and start a new one. I choose to hold off and go on Facebook instead. Here is what I found making its way up my newsfeed almost immediately.
"I know we want it all happy and positive, but that's just not where much of humanity is. Many of us are overwhelmed with pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger, unseen truths. This is where we are at, as a collective. So we have two choices. We can continue to pretend it's not there, shame and shun it in ourselves and others, distract and detach whenever possible. Or we can face it heart-on, own it within ourselves, look for it in others with compassion, create a culture that is focused on authenticity and healthy emotional release. If we continue to push it all down, we are both creating illness and delaying our collective expansion. But if we can just own the shadow, express it, release it, love each other through it, we can finally graduate from the School of Heart Knocks and begin to enjoy this magnificent life as we were intended. Pretending the pain isn't there just embeds it further. Let's illuminate it instead." Jeff Brown, author of Soulshaping and Love It Forward
Okay. I got the point. I will say, I am luckily far from being overwhelmed with pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger or unseen truths, although I have lived there in my life. But I do possess them within myself. And Jeff Brown's post seemed to hit at the very reason I went on Facebook instead of finishing and posting the truths I had just allowed to surface on this page. Not the bullshit I was telling myself about my inability to achieve this dream, but the acknowledgement of the bullshit existing in my psyche. Maybe one can argue it needs to be there so the stronger, true voice can have a place to chime in, I don't know. But what I do know is that this passage from Jeff Brown this morning is the direct reason I am leaving this blog post as it is, to illuminate a fear I know I have, but that I also know does not control me.
As much as I like to focus on the positive, and happily do so, I cannot deny that these insecurities exist within me. They are a part of me and I acknowledge them. I do not, however, dwell on them nor let them take root within other truths I know to be real, such as the unabated belief that the Universe conspires on my behalf and that I am a strong, capable being able to accomplish anything. It is a daily effort on my part to remind myself of these things, and what is even more exciting to me, is that I am not unique. It is true about each and every one of us. Remembering this makes me feel not alone anymore, but in the company of the most amazing souls on the planet: Us. Thank you for sharing this day with me and thank you for shining your light. I won't need to find that museum light switch in the dark if I remember I've had a flashlight in my pocket the whole time.
cheers
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