As I spoke with one of my dearest friends on skype last night, I was telling her about the new revelations I have come to in working on the book. As I was telling her, it dawned on me that this would be a great place to jot them down as well, since this is the place I created to follow and archive, if you will, my process and progress.
I have realized that during the first few months I was here, I spent my time following the whim of my explorers soul, seeking out and excitedly discovering new places while fairly successfully fending off the guilt monster who wanted to ambush me at any weakness of conviction for "not working." I somehow maintained my conviction that I was not always going to understand the process, but I would keep my focus on trusting my instincts and listening to that little voice of intuition that somehow always guides me right. And in doing so, I shockingly did not visit a library for the first month and a half at least, always telling myself not to worry about it and that I was following the way I felt and still very much moving forward in my research process.
With the departure of my first visitor in the end of March, the guilt monster snuck in while I was distracted and wreaked havoc on my poor soul for a few confidence-shattering, courage-ravaging self-esteem-destroying days, and after the dust had settled and I remembered it was essentially only me responsible for the thoughts I was thinking, I picked myself back up and found after all the havoc had been wreaked, I was standing in entirely new terrain. And not only new terrain, but with a wholly new perspective as well. I am humbled and brought to tears by this process I have been allowed to witness unfolding before my own amazed eyes and heart, and I have charged right into this new terrain, complete with brand new vantage points and discoveries to be made.
I now feel I am on to the second chapter of my research over here. The books. The archives. The gracious librarians. The vast ocean of knowledge and information recorded before me and for me to traverse in my little sailboat of a novel plot. I told myself I wanted to sail in a sailboat over here more than anything, and I suppose I could count this as that voyage.
And the most revolutionary part of this is, without having allowed myself to entertain and honor my explorers soul, who I was able to recognize as needing to have a look around first, I would have no map for this incredible voyage across such an expanse of information. I now, in myself, have reference points. When I am reading about places, I know those places. When I am reading about the people of this country, I understand them on a far deeper level than I ever could have hoped, had I not spent time with them. The kind people of the wonderful towns in County Wicklow, eager to help and more than accommodating to sit and have a chat, have helped me to this end.
I have unwittingly given myself the tools I needed to extract the most from the research I am now compiling, and I could not have dreamed of planning it better had I tried. Which I didn't really, and maybe that's why. Maybe that's why I felt so safe in not having things planned to a "T", and when I would start to hem myself in by scheduling things out too far in advance, it sometimes created an apprehension, an unease, in me. It would come from the intention behind my scheduling. When my intent was me wanting something to happen, it felt good to have it scheduled, still knowing the plans could change at any moment. But when I scheduled things because I felt like I wasn't getting enough done, so I had better hurry up and schedule something, anything! (guilt monster) I would be left feeling panicky and not sure if I had done the right thing and wondering if I scheduled it wrong, or any number of uncomfortable feelings, not always easily recognizable at the time.
When I let myself be drawn forward by following the lighted path of my guidance (sometimes lit so dimly I have to stop and wait), still always attentive to my world and being a willing participant in its activities, I know I am travelling along a path that will take me to where my dreams are real. Where this book is complete and honors those whose story it tells. I do feel like finishing this book will be a bit of a quest for me, but not in a scary way, in an exciting way. With not thinking, will I ever get it done, but instead thinking, I am so excited that this will be finished one day!
Thank you for these insights. Thank you for this awareness. Thank you for these human traits I am blessed to manifest. And thank you for the divine spirit that manifests itself in me (is me).
cheers
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