Illumination

Having the ones you love come visit you in a foreign country creates emotions that are unforeseen and raises issues you could have previously been unaware of. And by "you" I mean me, of course.

What am I doing? Why am I here? Why am I dragging my children around on this crazy half-cooked "adventure" to try and accomplish something I am not even sure I am capable of. I have never written a book! Renovating a house? Sure. Took me forever, but I did it. Raising kids? Never wanted to before I had them, but now can't imagine my life without them. Leaving the security of a blossoming life to follow my heart halfway across the country? No problem!

Yet maybe, just maybe, leaving the security of not attempting a dream of enormous proportions is a bit too much. Plunging into the unknown has often seemed more sane to me than safely sticking to the predictable known path and it has undeniably brought me to many of the most treasured moments and people in my life.  But was this plunge just too much? I feel I am desperately unprepared and am groping for one single light switch dangling on a thin wire from the ceiling of a huge pitch black national museum, just hoping I'll happen to stumble upon it before my time runs out and I am kicked out before ever having a chance to find the light and see the treasures held within. I am afraid it will all be for nothing. I am afraid I will fail. I am here, feeling very much alone, and knowing full well I am the one responsible for putting myself here.



And yet, even as I am writing these words, I hear the same little voices in my head that helped get me to this point, amidst this amazing and remarkable opportunity. Kind voices resonant with my belief in a loving power that supports us all. They whisper to me through the rantings of my self-sabotage, reminding me of the strength and courage I already possess and the unyielding love that unites us all on our common goals of wanting to live the best lives we know how and to help others along their paths.

So now, after this moment of acknowledging my very human based fear of misdirection and utter failure, I am faced with the decision to share this fear or delete the post and start a new one. I choose to hold off and go on Facebook instead. Here is what I found making its way up my newsfeed almost immediately.

"I know we want it all happy and positive, but that's just not where much of humanity is. Many of us are overwhelmed with pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger, unseen truths. This is where we are at, as a collective. So we have two choices. We can continue to pretend it's not there, shame and shun it in ourselves and others, distract and detach whenever possible. Or we can face it heart-on, own it within ourselves, look for it in others with compassion, create a culture that is focused on authenticity and healthy emotional release. If we continue to push it all down, we are both creating illness and delaying our collective expansion. But if we can just own the shadow, express it, release it, love each other through it, we can finally graduate from the School of Heart Knocks and begin to enjoy this magnificent life as we were intended. Pretending the pain isn't there just embeds it further. Let's illuminate it instead." Jeff Brown, author of Soulshaping and Love It Forward

Okay. I got the point. I will say, I am luckily far from being overwhelmed with pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger or unseen truths, although I have lived there in my life. But I do possess them within myself. And Jeff Brown's post seemed to hit at the very reason I went on Facebook instead of finishing and posting the truths I had just allowed to surface on this page. Not the bullshit I was telling myself about my inability to achieve this dream, but the acknowledgement of the bullshit existing in my psyche. Maybe one can argue it needs to be there so the stronger, true voice can have a place to chime in, I don't know. But what I do know is that this passage from Jeff Brown this morning is the direct reason I am leaving this blog post as it is, to illuminate a fear I know I have, but that I also know does not control me.

 As much as I like to focus on the positive, and happily do so, I cannot deny that these insecurities exist within me. They are a part of me and I acknowledge them. I do not, however, dwell on them nor let them take root within other truths I know to be real, such as the unabated belief that the Universe conspires on my behalf and that I am a strong, capable being able to accomplish anything. It is a daily effort on my part to remind myself of these things, and what is even more exciting to me, is that I am not unique. It is true about each and every one of us. Remembering this makes me feel not alone anymore, but in the company of the most amazing souls on the planet: Us. Thank you for sharing this day with me and thank you for shining your light. I won't need to find that museum light switch in the dark if I remember I've had a flashlight in my pocket the whole time.
cheers